Journey to Awesomness

I had an appointment at the hospital today.

A woman there asked me why I was here for. She told me she was here for anger management. She wasn’t very sane but really nice. I said I needed to see a doctor about eating disorder. She didn’t know what it was so I said I had problems to feed, that I couldn’t do it properly. The look on her face was terrible. I could feel the pity and the judgment in her eyes. She was choked.

I looked away pushing the urge to cry as far as I could. I never felt worse about it.

I finally met the doctor, a tall thin healthy woman. We talked about how I ended up in her office and why I need her help. I explained what I’m going through since last October. The pain and the need to loose this weight. How I feel better now but not better enough yet. She said I’m not sick. Since I don’t purge or binge she said I don’t suffer from proper anorexia. Of course I don’t. I knew that before.

She also said she won’t help me to keep losing. She said I have a healthy weight, that my sight of my body will never be satisfied. So she just won’t. When I know I don’t need to loose a lot to be ok, eventually.

I dropped 3sizes and almost 10kg already. What can 5kg more do bad huh? My mother and my sister are thin. It’s in my genetics. I must be too. Somewhere under the layers of fat.

Basically I don’t know anymore why I’m going to see her. But I still will. Because I know I have a problem and this needs to be fixed.

Naé

I’m so happy that your appointement was well.
You have a healthy weight, and you’re so so so amazing now, I’m pretty jealous haha <3 Like, that’s hot. I don’t even wonder why every guys want you & your body haha. (Well I never really wondered but now it’s so obvious).
And even if you don’t feel it yet, you look more confident as well so just don’t lose faith and believe in you, because you look like you do, & there’s a little Naé inside of you who actually is watching herself in the mirror thinking “Damn, I’m hot”; unfortunately there’s another devil one who is pushing you to the society cliché of what’s hot.
“What can 5kg more do bad”… Well, 5kg it’s a huge number. One kg almost killed me, I was like “Hey, what one kg more do bad.”, YEP, when it’s not healthy, one kilos CAN be bad. As well 5 kg will not be healthy anymore and be bad for your body, your mind, etc.
Just commit to healthiness; these 5kg will probably still drop to like 2kg by themselves, and even these 2kg that you could see on the scale and that would make you worried will be GOOD kilos; as muscles.
You don’t have to lose it; neither to lose it FAST.
I realized that girls who look so fit and thin and stuff, did not begin yesterday to be healthy, first, they’re pretty older, and second, they start years and years ago. Not months. This is the reason why they’re like that; not because they starved or was like “Hey let’s lose 5kg more”.
Can you imagine what is 5kg ? 5kg is the gap between 45 and 50. Five kilos it’s five kilos before 10; five it’s the gap between 95 and 100kg. That’s too much, that’s not healthy, at least it could be healthy if you would like to lose it by taking your time, which I know it’s not the case.
See what you’ve already done, don’t stop because you did great; just like I said, commit to healthiness, stop looking at this fuckin scale; I beg you; I look healthier than ever (… well… Still want to see my abs hahaha), even if I have a kinda tummy and even if I’m sure on the scale I’m a lot more than I want to be as a number.
So just… I know, it’s like so stupid that I have to remind it to you, but just STOP with the scale. Drop it. After your GW, drop it, commit to healthiness & fitness & sportness & hapiness & positivness (I know some do not exist haha, just wanted to keep going with the “ness” thing) and you’ll feel better; it sounds so awkward and easy and stuff; I KNOW, you know I know how you feel when you read it, you know why I know it, you already told it to me. But I believed you; I tried, and even if I’m still struggling, I always have your voice in my mind “You’re not a number, that does not mean anything. You’ll get there no matter what” and the THERE, is not a number, is a visual and intellectual thing about yourself, not a scale.
And someday I’m just thinking “BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT”, BUT when I think that, I try to stop myself to do crazy thing, I just sit and think about all this ‘journey’, and, I start thinking “Well… That’s maybe bullshit that I’m not a number and stuff, but.. If I look better, persons who are struggling with the scale are dead, or look like they are, persone who are starving are dead, or look like they are, persons who do not try to be positive are dead, or look like they are; well, she’s probably fuckin annoying me right now, but if I look better, I’m actually really thinner, fitter and healthier than I was when I started, and, I’m thinking it’s bullshit that the improvements take a lot of times but, I started almost a year ago now, and I’m just starting to see some true results.. Finally, she’s probably right… Or even if she’s not, I mean, I was dying before, so I don’t really know what can be worse” and to be honest, after a little while, I’m thinking “… Fuck, she’s a bit true, persons who are eating and doing sports are doing that for so long, it’s normal that hey look like they do… Fuck, even a woman, 50 years old can do it the healthy way, why not me ?… Gosh, she’s so right, the persons who eat a proper amount of food are still really pretty… Like way prettier than the bonesbag we can see on fashion stuff and tumblr… Oh well, she’s probably just right and I’ll just try to believe her.”.

So, try to believe me as well.
I love you and keep seeing this doctor, it’s a fuckin good idea, and I’m proud that you are actually commiting to see her; thinking you have a problem or not, if you feel the urge to see someone, just do it, she’ll have better scientific advices than I do haha, and it’s just good to do it.
Personnally Mum’ found me few, and we will go and see them when I come back… And that’s thanks to you.
AND YOU’RE JUST SO HOT BEING A SLYTHERIN SLUT <3
Laurène

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders, via as-thin-as-fuck)